SEPTEMBER BLUES

I guess blank September is becoming sort of a recurring theme for me. September is the month after my birthday month. And trust me, I have had few things to be happy about in August since birth. I probably have had more losses in August than any other time of the year. Or maybe the fact that the month is associated with that day makes them stand out more because I am unlikely to forget. In as much as I want to.

I usually find myself lost in September, and this year is no different. I feel stuck, like I am sinking in quicksand no matter how much I try to stay afloat.

I feel lost. Like a tiny canoe in the midst of a tsunami, bloodthirsty waves, hungry sharks, a cold, dark ocean waiting to swallow me.

I feel like I am walking on a tight rope. One wrong step and the abyss will joyfully swallow me.

I feel like I am constantly at war. Fighting myself, fighting other people, fighting the whole world itself. And my soul grows weary of the constant breaches to my peace.


My physical health has been shitty, which has taken a dip at my mental health too. I am getting migraines as often as I get into a bad mood. Which is too often, if you ask me. I am off meds, not that they did more than mess me up further, but it was something to hold on to. I try not to wear the frustration and pain on my face but some days the façade cracks. And I hate looking weak.

I am having uncomfortable conversations with myself. Every time I feel myself slip further and further from reality. I am trying to glue the pieces of my life together. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to be kind to myself. I am trying. Hard. It’s taking everything in me.

On days I think I am doing okay, a mere song will push me into a mental breakdown. A stray thought will trigger a panic and anxiety attack. The voices in my head will tell me that all my efforts are for naught.


I am trying to stay anchored in the present. Although I feel myself slipping further every day. I find myself running away from friends. From myself. Running, running. Illusion and reality, the line between illusion and reality is so blurred. I don’t know where I am holding on to anymore. The hold is slippery and the safety belts are worn out. All it takes is one wrong step, one wrong move, one second lapse of concentration….

I am convincing myself it’s okay to feel like this. It’s okay to write this down, and put myself out here…

Aut vincere, aut mors !
Either victory or death.

September has been mental health awareness and suicide prevention month.


This is my September dump, I guess.